Lost of soul and the integrity of chaos

The post board period is a lot different than I had imagined it to be. I still remember how much I was craving for some free time when my boards were on. It is indeed a stressful period and at that point it feels like the you have a very complete structure that's going to crash soon and the entire world depends on what you write. I remember feeling the sense of relief once my last paper or rather my second last paper which is the toughest. During the pre- board days I thought the post board days will be just perfect. I thought I could be in a reverie through out the day and write these amazing stories, I thought I could watch a lot of TV, I thought I could read a book all day and basically be so happy in that state of sloth. All of these have happened except I'm not in a reverie and I find that I can't write. So yes, the post board days are simply beautiful and this sense of sloth is a much needed break but having all the time in the world is not the best thing. The post board sense of sloth is not as great as I'd imagine it to be. So I've come to a conclusion ( it's high time I did) - you never understand the complete situation until you're there and chaos is inspiration. A simple example, I thought my post board time was going to be lovely and now that I'm pretty much at home in a complete state of sloth not amidst the chaos of the world I just can't write and now sometimes, it's even though to think, why- there's not chaos in this momentary idle life of mine. Take a position people envy, a socialite who is a heir to an empire and great amounts of wealth, who can own a condo in every continent or for that matter every country, who can afford the most expensive Chevy, Merc, BMW, Rolls Royce, Fords or Limo in the world, who is invited to every royal wedding, who can live a very extravagant and lavish life on the money. But then again their respect is like a domino, when one wrong thing is exposed the other can of worms is opened and it's tough to find true love in this position. It's easy to get tempted when in a position of power or forget the position of power, it is always difficult to curb lust and maybe power is not what you truly want but if it is than that's what you fight for. As for chaos, personally I think chaos is what you need because if you're not amidst chaos then it means you're jaded. Chaos is what the universe is about, chaos integrates. That's why we're many and the formation of the world was due to chaos. A chaotic mind is great to have until you reach a point of saturation. Maybe if you're not there then that's not what you really wanted, but I say lets put up a fight. So lets be satisfied but always want more and as for the future lets do what we can and leave the rest up to chaos.