Shilpa Shetty and the bee

On one fine day, Shilpa Shetty had gone to the cosmetic surgeon to get a check up because ever since her nose job, every few days she was facing a problem. Any ways, the problem wasn't too major. But getting out of the house on a day when she was looking so supremely ugly wasn't easy since the new found fame after some weeping and anti- racism gyan she had put up and the IPL team she was starting and an ugly man she was marrying and yeah to summarize it all she was the new sexy thing on the block and the loving and obnoxious paparazzi that the celebrities claimed to hate but on a day like this when her nose wasn't looking so fine, a bad hair day and to make things worse she had a brand new pimple coming up. Dear god, what miseries she had in her life and with her very visible pimple who cares about the millions of people going hungry every day, or artificial intelligence, or corruption, her pimple and slightly crooked nose would make headlines. Some how the paparazzi were always round the corner with cameras in their hands, on other days it was an assurance that her new found fame wasn't lost but today it was a menace as this P.B.T ( pretty bland thing) didn't want the world to see her occasional ugly days.
She walked out of the hospital wearing a veil, trying to be careful so that the paparazzi wouldn't notice it was her. She walked into her car and driver saabh put madamji safely in the car.


She was on the road to home, where she was going to be hiding until her ugliness would get diluted for the world does not understand it is only human to have ugly days. She resented looking in the mirror and amidst all the terrible things she was going through, her car broke down. Oh the frustration, her driver was trying to fix her care. As she was contemplating suicide, she saw a bee and she hated arthropods except of coarse crabs but she was devoid of beautiful crab meat since her fitness vows. The bee was a male and male bee's get rather unfortunate treatment, just after they have mated that bitch of a queen bee falls on him and he dies and then goes to bee heaven and is acknowledged for his contribution to the bee population and "such as viscous nature" is the consolation he is offered. But for this lucky bastard of a male bee her set his eyes on the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and yes she happened to be Shilpa Shetty and his tiny brains couldn't see her ugly phase. Her was in love with her, her loved being in love with a different species all together. He wanted her but he knew the minute she would look at him. Anyways, her car finally got fixed and off she went while this poor chap was left to that female bitch of a bee and Shilpa Shetty went back to an even uglier husband.
Moral of the story- love is blind and karma is a bitch.

P.S- Please forgive this crap for wasting how many ever seconds it has wasted. Forgiveness for my instinct tells me I'm suffering from intellectual decay and good luck for life folks!

Alchoholics anonymous...

It's been ages since I've last been to Church. It's not my kind of place to go. Today was a weird day except that there was nothing weird about it. I guess being sober and having no booze within my bloodstream makes me feel weird. I crave for a smoke, but never mind I can wait for an hour or try to do so. I'm here to regain my virtues and I hope it's as easy as I think for it has been nearly half a decade since I've been zonked each day and I'm poor as piss and 'well wishers' say I still have the potential to make something of myself, oh well, what do they know. But in this world where there's an acute shortage of people who even try to love you, you might as well value those who do. Who am I? I'm James Bond,no I'm not. We never really know in this vast universe. Wit, who am I? Umm, I'm just a boozed out person trying to sort my life out. So I am now going to a support group for alcoholics and they irony is that the group sessions are held in a church.

They grey pallor of the church was adding more glum to my alcohol free day. As I entered the doors of the church I saw that there was an array of support groups and rehabilitation centres and the sessions were different rooms, they had to be, too many strange people makes the place even weirder, you see.

Quaintly insane, just plain ( support group for mediocrity), Woman with tiny bosoms, Men who need a brassiere, virtual world addicts, simply depressed, She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, Cocaine ( a support group for coke addicts), A butt for a nut ( a support group for bad rappers), Don't treasure the visual pleasure ( quit porn) and then amidst all this ruckus there it was, 'Alcoholics Anonymous'.

I entered a gloomy and dingy room, a bit like school. A black board, chalk, benches but only here everyone was discussing what we would have loved to discuss in school, booze. The room was almost full, booze is after all a perfect escaped. I came in at 17 hours and at exactly 17 hours and 1 minute man tallish guy with a salt and pepper beard walked in and he asked us why exactly we drank, many people had their sob stories to tell and they were almost all the same. He then started talking about life and how much of a life is. I was getting bored as hell. All of these people seemed so interested in what he was saying, to me all his philosophy very rehearsed. Everyone seemed so interested, everyone except one, I'm surprised I didn't notice her, she was so noticeable. Her dulled expression, fat body, her bright yellow floral dress, she had a very pronounced double chin, women don't have the great Morrison hottie technique of growing a beard once you get a double chin so when a woman gets a double chin, it is very prominent but even with a beard, you can dilute it but it can't be hidden. One hour passed and by the end of it my arse was numb and my tail bone or coccyx was hurting, I managed to sit for one hour and had almost a day without booze was killing me, yes, I pretty much know what I'm going to do when I get home, hey the process of regaining ones virtues is slow. Finally the session was over, huh, sigh of relief.

As I walked out of the high church doors dusk had already settle, the poetic night was peeping at us through the ashen clouds. It was going to rain and the landscape was waiting to embrace those fierce drops. Oh, how these days go, it's a shame that this day had to end so fast. The trees were praying to the spirits of the sky. Life was slowing down, I could do feel it. Any ways, I was getting a bus back home and as I was waiting for a bus the same woman who was sitting in my support session came, yes the fat woman with the double chin, I don't want to call her that but I don't know her name and we humans are a prejudiced breed. She smiled at me and I must say she has such a warm smile for a messed up person. We were waiting for the bus and then she asked me what I think about life. " I have nothing much to say about it, because if I did I wouldn't be here," I said. "So why are you here?'' she asked. " Well, I started drinking when I was four but it became a habit when I was twenty," I said. " Haa, you took sixteen years to make it a habit and you started drinking when you were four, damn, you're a juvenile scam," she said. Her words were scornful but even then I felt this bond with her, the kind of bond I haven't felt for a long time. " Why did you start drinking?" I asked her. "Well, I needed to go on a diet to get a fab midriff, so I went on an all booze diet," she said. "Seriously?" I asked. " Nope, you actually believed , me, I drank because I wanted to drink and that's the truth with most of us out here, I mean we drink because we drink and that's the blatant truth in life, we do things because we want to do thing," she said. I actually believed the booze diet part because people do go on insane diets these days, it's like they reveal their inner insanity in the form of their diets and about the we spin our own fate part, unfortunately it's true. So if you're in a shit position just remember you reap just what you sow, but indeed, karma is a bitch. " So, what do you think about life," she asked me, she's lame. " Well, I have nothing much to say about it and why do you ask," I asked her. " Well nothing, it's just that here we are wasting our lives and there are people who over achieve through, their life. It's like people talk about how chimerical life is and I have always found it a drag. I want to be here but I always feel I'm not quite here," she said. " Well life could be all about a coincidence gone right or wrong but yes the good question is where did it all start and that's when the question of god comes about," I said. It had been a long time since I had indulged in intellectualism or rather pseudo intellectualism with someone other than myself.
" You're addicted to substance and therefore I hope you have good imagination," she said. "Well it's quite the contrary, because as you gulp down the booze, you're neurons become loose,'' I said. " I have a feeling a woman was the one who started the universe,'' she said. " And why do you think so," I said. " Well, researchers say that the evolution of a male was just a co-incidence,'' she said. Sweet co-incidence I thought to myself, a co-incidence gone right. " Yes, but you always need a sperm to fertilize an egg," I said. " True but you're in a uterus for the first nine months of your life and the first nine months of your life may not seem like anything but those nine months decide your basic facial structure and the first nine months is what makes the phenomenon called you," she said. " Go on", I said. " Now picture this she said, a woman, the mother of all, I shall let her go unnamed, a beautiful and strong woman, god saw and he decided he wanted her and after a lot of wooing he finally got her and on one fine time they made love and god planted his seed in her, her egg and his sperm united to form a zygote and then there was a hyper- nova in her uterus, what we call the big bang theory, so I guess we call it the big bang theory for a reason or it's a co-incidence. Anyways that zygote was the beginning of the universe and now she's still pregnant with a fetus called the universe," she said. " Wow, she's been knocked up for a long time, when will she give birth?" I asked. " The universe is still growing and she might be giving birth anytime soon, after all there have been talks of apocalypse," she said. " So in other words, you could say every birth of a child comes with the faithful promise of death," I said. " Yes, it's a fact," she said. I was enthralled by her lame cliche philosophy and just then my bus arrived, we parted ways from there.

When I reached my bus stop the night had already settled and now I was walking home. Yes, the day was over but I realized it was my day. So as I walked by the array of street lights that were there to have mercy on us human mortals who have this inability to see in the dark I thought about what I wanted to do tomorrow but then tomorrow is another day and a day well spent is quite the day.

Purgatory...

Our wishful thinking was gone,
Just a jiffy before dawn,
Then merry acquaintances bid us condolence for those wasted dreams,
It just shreds a gullible bud and morphs her into a siren,
Oh, an arousing image I see,
But the other side is darker,
You've juts witnessed a wee bit of a prick of penury,
Cheers to apparent strength when you're impaled...

It's not your union I despise,
It's just that I'm rolling in the revelry of a desolated street,
The people of the street,
Fight for survival,
Crave for love,
Sex,
Victory,
Luxury.

The parasites of chaos differ a whole lot,
They sway within another life's dream,
The dignity of a shadow that was never theirs to claim,
These rodents are too weak to cry,
So they bond with silence,
Preparation for an afterlife embodies a life,
A macabre cloak is what we swear by...

With a pure birth,
Life just leaves us to expect that we shall be impure on a day to come,
You were born to serve civilisation,
Today you mock the purpose for you've now discovered yourself,
But now I feel death fondle me,
Bitter luck and holy acceptances,
Within the labyrinth of my uterine vengeance...

Children of love,
Oh holy mother so divine,
A generation of hunger,
You fill the pores of redemption,
The alter shall be laid,
For my conscience and I have wed against our will,
Quaint love is left ashamed by my notoriety,
A philistine bud shall bloom in my absence...

I purse my lips,
Wicked words are about to emerge,
My lifespan is saturated with nasty luck,
I clasp my hands,
Listen to a wise man's words,
I empty the coins of mediocrity,
Lucidity fails to bear me solace...

( Painting by MF. Hussain)

Groupie of Passion...

As I saw raw passion that emerged from the fog,
A hypnotic voice so fine,
The finesse of the atmosphere seems to have embraced me,
While women groove to fertility,
Men awoke to morning wood,
Stars had gone to spread their glimmer some place else,
Because we had enough glimmer here,
Light heals,
Heals the hormones of stress,
Heals the turmoil of failure,
Heals the scars of pain,
Heals the warts of herpes,
We're here to love each other until the pain fades,
Because noble men have told me,
Loud and clear!
"Some day these consecutive days shall end!"
Where has the free love gone?
We're all Casanova's for a good day,
But today the nugatory philosophy and rough introspection shall halt,
We moan in bliss and sing until the worlds end,
As the wits of love are weak now,
It's just you left to charm yourself into a delusional slumber...

Pubescent mojo..

I've often wondered, what makes a person hot? In the world of glitz we see so many human blow up dolls trying to be hot or another doll-like stud trying to be hot. They just don't do it right, it's like that perfect ingredient is missing. That immense mojo comes from within but very few get it right. It really is all about poise and if you try too hard then you shall fail yourself like a zeppelin make of lead (By the way that's where the origin of the name of Led Zeppelin, or so I've been told) . One does not have to be good looking to be hot, take Quentin Tarantino or Ted Hughes, very misshapen men but so sexy. Bruce Willis is bald and yet so hot and there are so many more and yet there are so many exceptionally good looking people who don't have an ounce of swagger. But then again it's all relative. It does contribute if one is well read, nice looking ( again that's not an omnipresent factor when it concerns sex appeal), that immense machismo, clever, good play with words, that lurking olfactory tease, voice, eyes, passion, good hygiene, dignity, chauvinism proof, jerk proof, confidence( helps big time) dresses well, a bit notorious ( yes, the stereotyped bad boy/ is what I'm talking about), good taste in books, music, cinema, ambition a sense of mystery and all these together but yes poise is the most important thing because as I said earlier try too hard and you might just end up being a malicious narcissist. But I believe everyone has potential mojo that matures with age, the art is in embracing that immense potential mojo you have and don't say you don't because you were born to be sexy and all us homo sapiens were born to be sexy and if you think you aren't then I say you spent too much time thinking, don't think too much about yourself sweetheart.